snichel..out of nowhere

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

feeling scared and all

the past few days have been a roller coaster ride for me, i've never felt this way for such a long time that i dunno already how to be in this kind of situation.

thanks to jen, i've seen my loser ex again. well, it's only a recent pic of him but nevertheless, it has the same effect on me. what happened to us was such a nightmare, a very traumatic moment in my life i don't want to even think about it. when i saw his pic, it just all came back, the pain, betrayal, lies, bitterness. i feel like crying not because i've realized that i'm still so into him, but for the reason that he made me feel this way. an ice that wil never melt, a person who has the highest level of protecting shield, the girl who's aloof and so cautious she's havin' a hard time trusting people around her, the woman who's so scared of fallin in love again.

i hate that guy for making me feel so insecure, that i'm unworthy, and that i'm unpretty. i hate him coz' whenever i think of him, it's as if i'm looking to the future i lost.

3 months ago, i've met another guy, ignored him at first, i was even turned off to those pick up lines he used ;p, but he was so consistent and persistent he worked so hard to get through me. alright, maybe i like the guy, so much that it scares the hell out of me, it's been a while since i last felt this way, i dunno what to do now. i'm not used to this, me not being in control, me not being able and proud, me not being egoistic and all, me not being the one to be chased, me not being treated like a queen, and me fallin for someone i barely know.

sometimes, i just want to curse the guy for coming into my life, for making me feel helpless and all. how can i do that though when most of the time, i find myself wishing and hoping that he'd be the one to melt the ice out of me...